Human Relationships, Intimacy, Love and More
Let’s face it, relationships are hard work. But as human beings we need to be in relationship: we have an inbuilt biological drive to be in contact with other human beings.
As children we grow up in a complex matrix of relationships which to a large degree will shape who we become as adults.
Later, we dream about romantic relationships; as teenagers we get excited about our first attempts at sexual relationships, and these first sexual encounters are an important rite of passage into adulthood.
As adults we look for committed, long term relationships, and most of us envisage happiness as being part of a relationship (whatever that may look like).
What no-one ever tells us is that relationships are hard work. You could compare a relationship to a dance between two partners (or in some less orthodox cases more than two) where each partner is listening to a different tune and rhythm and they are dancing according to a different set of steps.
To make the endeavour workable, possibly even graceful and good fun, a lot of resilience, trust, negotiation, willingness to compromise, skill and humour is needed.
Again, this isn’t really stuff that is taught to us beforehand, and we often believe that a relationship is supposed to save us from all our problems, rather than throw all our failings into greater relief.
So where does that leave us? Probably with a lot to learn, but also with a great opportunity for personal growth and shared happiness.
The bottom line for me is that when relationships do work they are fun and a source of great pleasure and security, but when they don’t they can make one rather miserable.
On the whole, though, they do work – or at least can be made to work – with the right skills, and in co-operation with your partner. And for many of us, few things in life seem to be as worthwhile as investing in one’s relationship.
Counselling
If you’re having persistent trouble with your relationships, we do recommend counselling as a good way to re-establish the lines of communicating and harmony within an intimate relationship.
For general advice on finding a therapist or counsellor, check out (in the UK) BACP and in the USA American Counselling.
Some wise words on the way
This is a poem by Adrienne Rich, who captures so much of our human struggle and need to be in relationship:
On Love
An honourable human relationship – that is one in which two people have the right to use the word “love” – is a process,
Delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.
It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.
It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity.
It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.
Adrienne Rich
Making Relationships Work
On “being emotionally available”
What does “emotionally available” really mean? How does it show up practically between two people? This page discusses the concept further.
Being “emotionally available” means that you are listening to what your partner is saying. Additionally it means that you’re allowing yourself to resonate with how he or she is feeling and that you’re putting your own stuff aside, just for the time being.
People use the word “empathy” to describe the emotional quality in “being emotionally available”. Empathy refers to the ability to sense and understand someone else’s feelings as if they were your own. Putting all of those elements together means being emotionally available is quite a complex skill. Here are the individual building blocks:
Active Listening
Listening means just that: being quiet and focusing on what the other person has to say.
Don’t interrupt too much, but maybe show that you are actively engaged by nodding or smiling.
Your job is to listen and try to understand what he or she is saying means to them.
It’s often a good idea to ask open-ended questions, which allow the other person to explore the topic further. Really give your partner space at this point. Don’t rush things: talking and really understanding takes time. It is possible that your partner’s story will change as it unfolds.
That’s normal. Saying things out loud to somebody else is a powerful process, which in itself means things move forward in some way.
Please remember that you are not required to fix things for your partner. No practical action may be called for except to listen and try to understand. If you feel it hard to sit with the other person’s emotion, simply try and relax.
Active listening
Listening is something you can do by yourself. In active listening you are listening and then showing your partner that you are listening.
You are listening as well as communicating back to your partner that you are listening.
This will mean that the other gets a sense that you are really present with them. You can communicate that you are listening by non verbal cues such as smiling, nodding, and matching the other person’s gestures. You can also communicate that you are listening by supportive “uhm” and “ahm” noises, or by saying the odd word here and there such as “I see”.
Asking questions is also great. If you can stick more to open ended questions, which will give your partner a chance to open up the conversation rather than close it down.
Make space for the other
One could see making space for the other quite literally, as in setting time aside to focus on the other person.
It’s really important that couples do have time with each other and for each other, so they can manage every day life together.
However, making space for someone is also about making space for somebody in your mind. This means giving the other person your attention and setting aside your own issues and worries for the moment.
If you find this difficult, it might help to think about it in ego state terms. When you make space for another, you are willing to stay grounded in your Adult ego state: in other words, you’re willing to be present in a calm and grounded way without your own concerns impinging on your attention to what your partner is saying.
If what is being said is about you in some way, don’t react to it straight away. You are there just now to support the other, not to defend yourself.
Quite often the other person does not want to attack you in some way, but simply wants you to listen non-defensively to what they have to say.
Being open
Being open means that you are willing to let yourself resonate with another person’s emotions.
Once you make some space for another person’s emotions, and you are actively listening to what he or she may be expressing, you may feel emotionally moved by what he or she is saying and feeling. Being open allows you to feel with the other person and emotionally understand what is going on for them.
Be prepared to let yourself be stirred by him or her! Allow them to impact you.
This is an important aspect of being close to someone.
If you’re resonating with somebody else’s feeling, you often naturally go to the complementary emotional position. That is, if somebody feels sad, what is called for from you is compassion; if they feel anger, it is listening and taking them seriously; when they are anxious, it’s reassurance; and when they are happy or excited, you could mirror delight.
May 3 2023